Just because college is over, for most of us, at least temporarily, it doesn't mean that the Turkey Bowl has ended. In fact, now that we have graduated, the Turkey Bowl becomes that much more important. Now it is no longer merely the highlight of coming home for a long weekend, it's all we've got.
But seriously. Since most of the participants are living at home this year, the Executive Committee gave a lot of thought to changing the team names. After all, Cutters (people who live at home and go to school) and Non-Cutters (people who go away to school) no longer seem appropriate. So it was decided that a contest be held where the person ho came up with the best theme and names would be given a hefty cash prize.
The themes were all remarkably similar: Kesin and Glosh will be coming out of the woods to play football. Some of the better names using his theme were Skip's Scrappers versus Bunny's Bashers, and the South Orange/Maplewood City Slickers against the West Fulton Bumblefucks. These were good, but not great; at least not as good as the names the committee came up with on its own.
So the contest was cancelled. We kept the money and used it to buy this neat letterhead. The names we came up with were the (Wood) Cutters vs. the Non-Cutters. Hey, a little variety goes a long way. As far as who plays with whom, the committee tried to accommodate all reasonable requests.
(Wood) Cutters
Chris Colasanti
Frank DeFilipis
Chris Gefken
Dave Gloshinski
Andrew Kesin
Mike Sanchez
Mark Vanderfleet
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer
Brett Jenks
Dave Mairo
Phil Neery
John Nulty
Bill Rustum
Mike Zusi
Unfortunately, with the collapse of the Player's Union, the league has been unable to confirm that certain people will play, such as Ken Hogenauer who, if he does play, will be a (Wood) Cutter. (Who sill benefit if he does not play, we are not sure). Among those who are definitely not playing are Chris Zusi, who is negotiating a broadcasting deal with the network; Lars Novak, who took off for Colorado and hasn't been heard from since; and John Dimpel who, as we all know, can' come out and play this year.
They are being replaced on the roster by three new faces: Mike Sanchez, Bill Rustum, and Chris "The Dominant Force" Colasanti. Plan B free agents, no doubt.
Now the rules. Five men play at a time. Two down linemen must be on the offensive line, and the center is ineligible to catch a pass. One blitz every four downs, and three completions are a first down. Laterals are allowed behind the line of scrimmage.
As far as the time is concerned, it is open to suggestion. It has been recommended that there be running time until the last two minutes of each half. This will be discussed at the meeting the night before the game.
Ah yes, the meeting. This is a mandatory meeting where taunting of the opposition is encouraged. Also, it is recommended that each player drink excessively. This will ensure that no one will be too fresh.
Last year a player, who shall remain nameless, bypassed the meeting and showed up at the game disgustingly wholesome and healthy. To discourage this, it has been decided hat any player who does not show up at the meeting will be ineligible for the MVP award, to be voted upon immediately following the game. This is the so-called Dimpel rule, after that nameless player.
The only thing left is to remind everyone that game time is 11:00 on Thanksgiving in Orchard Park. Anybody interested in playing who is not mentioned on the final roster may do so with Committee approval.
A few final notes. Rich Bayer has guaranteed that he will be the MVP this year. Kesin and Gloshinski have been practicing at altitude. They have guaranteed a victory. When Mairo and DeFilipis were questioned about the game, they just smiled confidently. John Nulty, meanwhile, says that he will work the Dom lik an ugly redheaded stepchild.
See you Wednesday night.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
