Turkey Bowl 2003
The same stalwarts return to the Turkey Bowl year after
year, in some sort of a twisted swallows-return-to-Capistrano-thing (derelict,
drunken pork lovers return to the 'Wood, or something like that).* Over the past two decades, however, many
players have participated in the Turkey Bowl.*
We mourn the absence of some of these players, and others, well, frankly
we're glad they're not playing anymore.*
Everyone who plays in the game, though, leaves behind a
little bit of themselves (or their dignity or their clothing.)** And the next time you're at Orchard Park,
if you listen really carefully, you can even hear the whispers of the ghosts of
Turkey Bowls past riding through the park on those exotic and sometimes toxic Maplewood
winds.*
All right, so maybe you can't hear the ghosts.* And you also can't get into the heads of the
players.* But now, for the first time, I
present "What the Players Think," a collection of thoughts that
reflects the focus, dedication, and determination of Turkey Bowl Participants. *These are presented in no particular order
and are attributed to no particular person.*
But these words capture the essence of what it's like to play in the
greatest game of the year.*
I'm playing center again?* What the fuck?OeOh good,
O'Neill's playing.* That's one guy I
know I can tackleOeIs that a normal pain?OeGreat.* Another Thanksgiving, another ice pack at the dinner tableOeAt
least I'm not hungoverOeAt least I'm not at home with the familyOeI've got a
house, a job, and a family, what the hell am I doing playing tackle football on
Thanksgiving?OeI got laid off.* I want to
hit somebodyOeI'm 48-years-old and making a comeback.* I'm like the Michael Jordan of the Turkey BowlOeOh shit, he didn't
make the tackle.* Now I've got to do
somethingOeIs it half time yet?OeSuckers.*
I've got a hot tub where I'm stayingOeYou know what?* I don't think I'll be that sore tomorrowOeIs
that a hemorrhoid?..You cover KesinOeWhere am I supposed to go on this
play?..I'll rush this timeOeJesus Christ!* I was openOeHe didn't even look my wayOeWatch the
blitz.* For Christ's sake, watch the
blitz!OeThank God I'm still drunk.*
Otherwise that would have hurtOeI hope Mom's making those little potatoes
this yearOe I wonder if any random people will show up this year?OeGefken makes
me drink all that Jameson's, and then he doesn't even show up to play?OeDoes
Shelffo think he's running on egg shells out there?* Look at him with those little baby stepsOeI hope I don't hit
traffic on the drive homeOeThere's the Wolf fucking the PigOeWhy doesn't Nulty
race his wife before the game any more?OeNot one Dominant Player vote again this
year?* What's up with that?OeOh
great, my family's here.* Now I've got
to make a play or somethingOeLooks like he's beefed up a bitOeThat year when we
played in the snow?* That was coolOeHow
soon after dinner can I make myself a Turkey sandwich and not be rude?OeDid you
see that block I made on that last play?OeWhat's with that "three
alligator" shit?OeGreat.* Here
comes Kesin.* He's gonna lower his head
and come at me with knees and elbows flying.*
Maybe I'll just try to push him out of boundsOe.It's not that cold
out.* ReallyOeI wonder if there will be a
Turkey Bowl next yearOe I should have worn cleatsOeHe's throwing it to Da
Neph.* He'll drop itOeWhatever happened
to those flags we played with that one year?OeWhich beer is mine?OeYou call that
a tackle?OeI am very sore and drunk right now and I will be going to bed
earlyOeNext score winsOeI like the canned cranberry sauce better than the fresh
kindOeWhat number Turkey Bowl is this?OeOh God, he's going deep again?OeAll
you pussies who want to play flag can suck my big Italian cockOeDixie
Ruled.* What a cool houndOeDidn't he used
to be fast?OeThat Fourth of July party at Gefken's was a lot of fucking
funOeWhere is everybody?OeIs that dog shit over there?OeI wonder
what the neighbors think when we show up every Thanksgiving?OeThey've been in
that huddle a long time.* I bet they're
gonna do something trickyOeThere are a lot of kids over there on the sidelines
this yearOeOkay, everybody go longOeNo laterals past the line of scrimmageOe
