Once again, it's fall. The leaves are falling, Columbia High School is losing another football game, and Bob Evans is accosting young women in the name of Rock n' Roll.
It must be time for the Turkey Bowl, the time when we gather together at Orchard Park in the spirit of friendship and thanksgiving and attempt to drive our friends faces as deep into the mud as possible so that we can abuse them for a whole year.
As usual, the committee has been hard at work charting and chuckling at the comings and goings of the Turkey Bowl participants. Geographically the job has become more difficult, especially with the mass migration to Mass., particularly Boston and its suburbs, but no task it too great for the underpaid but highly dedicated and motivated Committee. Despite the obstacles, we have compiled extensive scouting reports on each participant, including recent x-rays and urinalysis or blood test or breathalyzer, as the case may be. All of this information has been diligently sifted through to provide the fairest possible contest on Thanksgiving Day.
It should be pointed out, however, also in the name of fair play, that vengeance has also been taken into account. Specific requests regarding personnel distribution have been received, and those with merit (read: money) have been accommodated. Thus, the rosters are as follows:
(Record) Cutters
Punk Boy
Chris Gefken
Dave Gloshinski
Brett Jenks
Andrew Kesin
Doug MacDonald
Brian O'Neill
Bill Rustum
Mark Vanderfleet
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer
Chris Colasanti
Frank DeFilipis
Ken Hogenauer
Dave Mairo
Dave Niffen
Lars Novak
John Nulty
Mike Zusi
This year the game has become truly national in scope. Not only do we have Bob Evans, recording artists (or is it artistes?), coming in from Boston with various groupies, hangers on, and guiltless, bloodsucking fortune hunters, but we have Brett Jenks, whose parents are searching for Elvis, playing; and Bill Rustum, the pushy New Yorker, is flying in from his expansive cattle ranch in Kansas City. He feels that by traveling so far his odds of touching the ball at least once this year will be increased.
Actually, in a pick-up game with Nulty, Colasanti, and Shelffo, Rustum didn't look half-bad. Yes, Shelffo actually picked up he pigskin again, but despite rumors to the contrary, he will not be playing. He feels that he is now too cerebral to be rolling around in the mud. He will, however, condescend to share a few beers and regale us with the latest stories about how he has mercilessly crushed the ego of some hapless college freshmen.
Speaking of college, Mike Sanchez and John "Big Cat" Nulty are in the midst of hei first year of law school at Columbia and Seton Hall, respectively. Rich Bayer is dying to go to law school, and Lars Novak, well, he is just getting schooled on job interviews. This means that not only will he be well-rested after taking last year off, but he'll be pissed as well.
Now the rules. As we all know, five men play at a time. On the offensive line there must be two down linemen, and the center is not eligible to catch a pass. One blitz is permitted every four downs, and three completions are a first down. Laterals are only allowed behind the line of scrimmage.
The meeting will be held this year at the usual place and time. Just a reminder, the goals of the meeting are taunting and drinking to ensure the optimum hangover for preventing potentially dangerous, spectacular play. Once again, he Dimple rule is in effect: anyone bypassing the party but showing up at he game will be ineligible for the coveted and stories MVP award.
But wait, there's more. Two more awards will be presented this year, one for best uniform, and on for Drunkest Meeting Reveler to Actually Participate in the Game. (Just a hunch, but it will probably be a toss up between Gloshinski and Vanderfleet for this one.)
A couple of final notes. The Committee has recently learned that Doug MacDonald will be flying in on Thanksgiving morning solely for the purpose of playing in the game. This is the second year in a row that he will be doing this, although it is hard to believe that his wife is falling for the "just going out for smokes" ruse again this year.
Finally, this year figures to have the largest participation ever, so the competition will be fierce. In closing, here is a list of the past MVP winners.
Chris Gefken
Brett Jenks
Phil Neery
John Nulty
Remember, the game starts at eleven sharp at Orchard Park on Thanksgiving Day.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
