The times they are a changin' for participants of the Turkey Bowl. Where once the only patterns we used to be concerned about were the ones that John Nulty overthrew, now there is talk of china patterns. Just ask Rich Bayer: he'll tell you which type he and his fiancee have picked out. With all of the weddings, engagements, and ijnuries happening to our players, this year's squad may be the thinnest in years.
Out with injury are Chris Colasanti, whose knee is just not responding to the scoping he had don six weeks ago, and Andrew "Mangle Foot" Kesin, motorcycle daredevil. Out by virtue of geography are Dave Gloshinski, who is paving the Great Northwest; Ken Hogenauer, who is clothing the Continental Divide; and Brett Jenks, who is exploring the heart of darkness in Central America. Chris Zusi, too, has emigrated to the west, and this year he has even gone so far as to lure his brother Mike out to Nevada, preventing both of them from participating this year.
Then there are those who are no longer allowed to play: Craig Zusi and Mark Vanderfleit have to sit at home with their wives. This is, no doubt, what lies in he future for the newly engaged Rich Bayer, John Nulty, and Chris Colasanti, who was so romantic as to get engaged on Valentine's Day. Hopefully these guys will take a lesson from Doug MacDonald, he king of deception when it comes to getting away for the game.
To complicate matters further, the Commissioner has been characteristically lazy in putting things together, and even at the late press date this year, the exact participation is unknown. But do not fear: Andrew Shue may be a teen heartthrob getting rich out in Hollywood, but we will still gather every Thanksgiving morning to ensure we all have a painful dinner where we stiffen as we eat.
Here are the Rosters:
Cutters
Chris Gefken 28-1
Phil Neery 2-5
Dave Niffen 20-1
Rusty Zusi 29-1
Joe Martineau 30-1
Brian O'Neill 50-1
Ed Polato Off
Anthony Solanno Off
Non-Cutters
John Nulty 30-1
Rich Bayer 24-1
Jon Lubow 6-1
Mike Sanchez 7-1
Lars Novak 16-1
Doug MacDonald 9-1
Bill Rustum 20-1
Drew Isaacson 30-1
This year, more than any other year, the rosters may change up until game time. Just remember that the decision of the Commissioner is final, so suck it up.
The rules this year remain the same as in years past. Five men to a side; three completions are a first down; two men must be on the line; the center is not eligible to catch a pass; no laterals beyond the line of scrimmage; one blitz every four downs. Also remember that the ban on cleats from last year is still in effect. Turf shoes are okay, but cleats just encourage people to be athletic, something that we want to discourage.
Of course, looking at this year's field, the idea of athleticism may not be something we have to worry about. Everyone who participated last year has had his odds of winning the MVP award double, except for Phil, who, as the first two-time winner, saw his odds go down, and Rusty. For Rusty, the odds makers simply added together all of the odds for all of the Zusis who played last year-the final tally seemed about right. Mike Sanchez's odds, interestingly enough, now equal the number of fumbles he had last year. But no one stands out this year, so we are ripe for a surprise winner, maybe. Where have you gone, Chris Gefken? Could this finally be Rich Bayer's year? Should we dare to dream?
One final serious matter has to be discussed. Last year no one distinguished himself enough to win the coveted Drunkest Person at the Party the Night Before Who Actually Played in the Game Award. From now on this award will be known as the Bob Evans Award, since one or all of the members of Bob Evans have won it in recent memory. Anyway, the Dimpel rule was instituted to ensure that no one stayed home the night before to be too fresh for the game. The Turkey Bowl was founded on the ideals of staying up all night. We need less of Rich Bayer, who says, "I cannot feel as bad as I did last year," and more of John Nulty, who is striving for the unprecedented Daily Double of awards. To remind everyone of these principles, Drew Isaacson, professional drunk, has been brought in to show you how it is done. The sad thing is, he might just win the award without even trying.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
