Turkey Bowl XXIII
My excitement for the Turkey Bowl usually begins to build in August, as the summer fades away and my body goes into that back to school mode that none of us will every truly be free of. But this year, something happened on my way to true excitement when I had some unsettling realizations. They are as follows:
There won't be as many players this year as I would have hoped.
I won't be able to run as fast as I do in my imagination.
My passes won't be as true as I want them to be.
And the plays I think up just won't be that creative.
These thoughts sent me into a bit of a downward spiral that resulted in a newsletter draft about which my wife said, "You can't post that. You'll have a bunch of depressed, middle-aged men if you do." I believe she also used words like "bitter" and "discouraging" in her review.
I also received some counseling from Andrew Kesin who I'm sure had an internal debate about whether to post my screed as it was and take out a large life insurance policy on me or to talk me off the ledge. He decided on the latter and made me appreciate how much the Turkey Bowl has evolved over the years. It really is a sacred tradition.
So I'm feeling much better today, thanks. (I guess I've got to stop drinking that dark whiskey when I write these things.)
Anyway, this year over Thanksgiving the Class of '85 has its 20-year reunion (class of '85 rules! All other classes drool! Excelsior!) and we'll be playing in the 23rd Turkey Bowl. The game this year will be touch. We'll play on the lower field this year so that we can keep a better eye on any of our children who might be attending, as this year there will be much more focus on family than in years past. Among other highlights will be the now-traditional post-game rocket launch. (Please, someone remember to bring batteries to the game this time.) Weather permitting, of course.
For those of you who might have forgotten what Orchard Park looks like, here's a little diagram:
As of now, it looks like we'll have seven definite participants: Doug MacDonald, a long-time player whose love of the Turkey Bowl runs so deep that he's actually disappointed that we play it on a holiday because he thinks it should be a national holiday on its own merits; Lars Novak, a TB stalwart whose physical size won't let him be stealthy on the field so he chooses to be stealthy about whether he's playing or not; Andrew Shelffo, who's still referring to himself in the third person in these newsletters after all these years; Brian O'Neill, who has two more years to hone his stories from his spectacular performance in last year's game and impress the ladies at his 20-year reunion; Andrew Kesin, who's teaching Jasper how to tackle the TB way (you grab the guy from behind and dig your chin in between his shoulder blades); John Nulty, the defender of the little guy who always ends up defending as little as possible in these games; and Brett Jenks, who is returning to the game this year after a long hiatus and is therefore fresh blood who will have to cover Kesin this year.
Other people have made some noise about playing, most notably Chris Zusi and Rich Bayer, but nothing firm as come from these guys as of yet (insert impotence joke here). I don't know if Brian Zusi will show up this yearahe was a no show last year, but if the does show up, take a look at him: he's a pretty big dude.
If you're reading this and not sure about whether you should play or not, come and play. Don't make us, because of a lack of players, challenge the Dads on the other field to a game. I mean, if you're going to be reliving your high school days, why not play a little football with some friends?
THEC's will be served at 10, and the game will follow immediately. After the game there will be a special award presentation and then the rocket launch.
One more note. To keep these newsletters fresh, we've decided to open it up to whomever would like to write one. Anyone can do it, really. If you're not sure how to begin, here's how to get started.
How To Write A Turkey Bowl Newsletter
Begin by putting everything in context:
Once again, it's that time of year when [insert timely reference, preferably sports-related] and when [make a joke at a participant's expense; an O'Neill is drinking too much one usually works.] Yes, once again it's time to gather in [insert Orchard Park here; it's like when rock stars use the name of the city they're in at the moment]. As you might recall, at last year's game [two jokes in a row to point out the foibles of players in last year's game, like MacDonald dropped more passes than Steven Hawking and Nulty ran around so gingerly, I'd have sworn that he was wearing high heels, followed by one left-handed compliment, e.g., who'd have thought that O'Neill would be channeling Terry Bradshaw the whole game; 20 years of underperforming on purpose finally paid off in a landslide "Dominant Force" performance.]
Segue to this year's game [Be sure to reference what number of annual Turkey Bowls the current year's edition will mark at wenty third annual in this case; or, if that's not appropriate, be sure to reference the players' advancing ages. For instance, we will have one player over 40 this year, with more to come next year.] Try to stoke the competitive fires by insulting some of the players through real or fictitious quotes from other players [e.g., after last year's game, in which Kesin, O'Neill and McDonald kicked serious butt, running rings around Shelffo, Novak, and Nulty, Nulty told me that our biggest mistake was in bothering to cover Doug at all. We should have double teamed Kesin, he said. Kesin told me that he knew his team was going to win as soon as he heard what the teams were. But the really disappointing part was that he didn't even have to use his mother's hot tub after the game, because he hadn't been pushed enough to be sore. But he used it anyway.] Next, belittle those people who aren't playing, preferably by mocking their excuses [insinuating that someone is effeminate for not playing, choose any player who has played in the past who is not playing this year, is sufficient.]
End the newsletter with a reminder about when and where the game will be played [Orchard Park, 10:00 a.m.] and then wish everyone well.
That's it, you're done.
Of course, you can write whatever you'd like. If you want to write something - perhaps some post game words - just send it in.
