I realized as I sat down to write this annual Turkey Bowl missive that I'm at a bit of a disadvantage now that I'm no longer a Jersey resident.* For the first time, I cant give updates on field conditions, the latest happenings in Hoboken, the City, or at O'Reillys; I can't even tell you if Texas Weiner II, the one across from Home Depot, the one where Kesin stops every Thanksgiving morning for the Turkey Day Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheeses is still operating.* Let's face it, the Commissioner is out of the loop on Maplewood Matters.* But I've realized that there's really not that much difference between Hamp and the Wood. For instance, here's a partial list of the wildlife I've seen in Northampton over the past year:
Bobcat
Deer
Fox
Coyote
Beaver
Bear
And here is a sampling of the seamier side of Northampton, directly from
Northampton is answer to the News-Record, the Daily Hampshire Gazette.
A Stanton Street resident reported to police Thursday at 1:33 pm that his whole collection of 140 state quarters had been taken from her apartment.
Alan Everett's dairy calf was the victim of a black bear attack a few weeks ago.* The bear attacked at 4:15 am, and Alan hurried outside after hearing the calf's bellow."It was just a black mass, Alan said." i was on top of the bear before I knew what it was." I kicked him in the head as hard as I could."
Alan Roche was arrested yesterday for disorderly conduct, and indecent exposure.* Police repor that Roche was yelling obscenities in the parking lot next to the Northampton Brewery.* When police came, Alan took off all of his clothes and sat down, refusing to move.* As a police officer approached him, Roche stood up and attempted to jump into the police car and drive away. When the police prevented him from doing that, he resisted; and when they got him to the police station, he refused to put on any clothes.* Police suspect Roche may have been under the influence of drugs.
You see, Northampton is just like Northern Jersey.* Just take away the good food, the metropolitan sense of importance, the significant sports teams, and WFAN, and replace it with blue hair dye for men, work boots, wallet chains, and pickup trucks for the women, and any sense of urgency in a supermarket checkout line, and youill see what I mean.
Now, for some other items that need to be addressed.* First, the numbering of the Turkey Bowl.* I have a distinct memory of Paul's Tavern the night before Thanksgiving in 1983.* Walter H.K. Tore is playing, and a bunch of us are there, drinking and having a good eol time.* Fast forward to the next day: Iim in Memorial Park, and I'm running down the field as fast as my hangover will let me.* Phil Neery, Jackie Zusi's husband, he of the tree-trunk, piston-action thighs, is grinning at me as he blocks me, not once, but several times.* Why I bothered to get off the ground after the first plastering, I have no idea.* But I could say the same about drinking again after all of the liquid plasterings I've subjected* myself to.
Anyway, in my mind, that game has always been the first Turkey Bowl.* While it certainly didnit have the concomitant pomp and glory that the current Turkey Bowl has in fact it wasn't even called a Turkey Bowl it was the first Thanksgiving gathering to play football on Thanksgiving of the group of people who would go on to form the core of the Turkey Bowl as we know it today.* The next year, my senior year in High School, I remember playing football in Orchard Park on* Thanksgiving as Joe iWalks like a Birdi Santasiere came limping by after his last high school football game.* We didn't go to that game; Kes, Rich, Glosh, and a few others played our own game, in what more closely resembled a Turkey Bowl.* The final piece of the puzzle was put in place the next year, 1985, when the Cutter and Non-Cutter teams made their first appearances.*
So, what does it all mean?* Well, if you go by the 1983 date, that would make this yearis game the Twentieth Turkey Bowl.* That's right: the Twentieth Fucking Turkey Bowl.* An awesome achievement, by whatever redneck hick, butt-ugly-website, Internet-glorified, piss-ant game standard those illiterate mongoloid posters might apply.* Not that I let those posts get to me, or anything.
But here's the thing: I don't want it to be the 20th Turkey Bowl, because I donit think Iim going to make it this year.* And my check of the records indicates that this will mark the first time in TWENTY FUCKING YEARS that I've missed the Turkey Bowl. And I donit want to miss the Twentieth Turkey Bowl.* I guess I've got to be more diligent in my family planning.* Thatis right, the Commissioner and his wife are expecting a baby on Thanksgiving this year. Bottom line: this year's Turkey Bowl is not the 20th, despite what I may have said in the past.*
Training note of the week: I began training for a tackle game last week.* Sam and I were in the yard, and he said, "Dad, let's play football.I'll tackle you and then you can tackle me." We then ran around the yard, trading tackles. It took me until two days later before I remembered our game and realized that was why I was so stiff.*
Kind of got me psyched for Thanksgiving.**
You see, no matter what year you use as the starting point, the Turkey Bowl has always been tackle.* Last year was a tough year for all of us, to say the least, and the Turkey Bowl accommodated the unusual circumstances.* The idea was to get as many people involved in the game as possible, and as tackle was seen as a barrier to getting people to play, the idea of an alternative to tackle developed.* Brian Zusi supplied the flags, and I went to great pains to ensure an anonymous vote, spending almost ten minutes on designing paper ballots in Word.* Then we voted.* And tackle won, on a very close and surprising vote.*
And then the politicking began.* One person claimed that the only reason he voted for tackle was because he didn't think that there was any chance that tackle would win, and he could have the best of both worlds: taking the manly step of voting tackle while never having to actually tackle or be tackled.* Another person simply came right out and said that he wouldn't play if the game was tackle, and that's what broke the stalemate.* Faced with the prospect of not having a game, the tacklers gave in to the flaggers.* And the game was played.*
I had a great time playing last year.* Yeah, the flags took some getting used to, but I think they were "okay." I mean, they did allow me to match my previous decades tackle total in one game.
So what should we do this year?* I think the game should be tackle. Now, this is only a recommendation; it should probably be agreed upon before the game this year, and I may not even be there, anyway. (In my absence, I'm designating Andrew Kesin as Acting Commissioner).** I don't necessarily want to play tackle, but what's the holiday season without a little discomfort?
Who will be there?* Off the top of my head, hereis who I think will show up: Kesin, O'Neill, an O'Neill friend and/or in-law, Lars, Nulty, Doug, Gefken (probably not playing?), and Brian Zusi.* Others who might show up are Dave Mairo, Rich, and me.* Beyond that, all bets are off.** So, Doug and Kes: remember those Thanksgiving mornings a couple of years ago, when we waited for people to show up, privately wondering how we would fare in a one-on-one-with-a-permanent-QB game?* I envision a similar scenario.* But don't worry, I'm sure there will be the same results, too: eventually, enough people will show up to have a game.*
The Game will go on, as it has for almost two decades, starting at 11 am on Thanksgiving, in Orchard Park. If people want an earlier time, please post to that effect.*
Happy Thanksgiving to all.
The Commissioner
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