A LOOK BACK
On Thanksgiving Day in 1983, a group of friends gathered at Memorial Field to play a friendly game of football. What a stupid idea that turned out to be. The cold weather and muddy conditions combined with the hangovers to make the day well, hellish. Memories of that day are few and hazy, as are the memories of the Walter H.K. Tour show the night before at Paul's Tavern in Newark that made such a mess of the players. But the memories of subsequent games, such as Rusty Zusi vomiting so hard that Mrs. Kesin heard him a block away and Kesin sacrificing his body to make head first tackles, are fresh. In that first game lies the genesis of the Turkey Bowl we play each today.
In 1984, the game moved to its present site, Orchard Park. While Joe Santasierecapped off his high school football career with a kick return for touchdown, his friends beat up each other in a low-key tackle football game. They vowed to return the next year, after their first year of college, to play again.
Now the game had a theme, a focus for its otherwise mindless bodily abuse. A time to renew friendships, make fun of one another, and inflict pain.
The first two games did not have the glamour and glitz of the present-day Turkey Bowl, but from humble beginnings came important traditions that we follow to this day, from the rules governing the number of players on the field to the rules governing pre-game party attendance.
Today we focus too much on who won the game, who won the MVP award, and who threw up on the field. No one remembers won an MVP award in those first games. Everyone who played that game was (sniff) an MVP in his own way. You know who you are. Way to go, guys!
While these memories are fresh in our minds, here now An All-Time Turkey Bowl Team, as voted by nobody.
Dave Gloshinski--An option quarterback at heart, he is the career leader in interceptions
John Dimpel--Road Rules. Golden Rule. Dimpel Rule. (He sends his regrets this year, says he's too busy organizing the next Live Aid)
Mark Vanderfleet--Never met a receiver he couldn't hold.
Doug MacDonald--Finally had to get a job with the NFL to justify his continual Thanksgiving Day absences from his family.
Craig Zusi--Call him, simply, the MVP-maker.
SANTASIERE WALKS LIKE A BIRD, LOOKS LIKE AN ITALIAN IN RETURN TO TURKEY BOWL
Joe Santasiere, who moved to the desert several years ago, will be making a return to the Turkey Bowl for the first time in eight years. A former psycho Cougar gridiron star (remember the mohawk?), Santasiere is now married and the father of two. He says he has been working out to get in shape, however, and the game has given him something to shoot for. "I've lost fifteen pounds," he said in a phone interview. "I've been running everyday, but I didn't know what for, until I remembered the Turkey Bowl."
The Basadile, as he likes to be called, leads a group of former participants who are heading eastward to play in the game. In addition to Santasiere, the Turkey Bowl will see the return of Ken Hogenauer from Colorado. While his play has certainly not been missed, his trademark hat has been. It will be good to see that hat again.
Chris Zusi will return from Nevada for this year's game. After working for months at Los Alamos, the recently engaged and gainfully employed Zusi brings his Top Secret security clearance and a new knee brace in an attempt to restore some luster to a Zusi name that has been tarnished in past games. Brothers Rusty and Craigwelcome the help.
INJURY UPDATE
The influx of bodies from out west will help a game whose numbers have declined due to injuries in the past few years.
Andrew Shelffo(knee) will not be playing this year; he is content in retirement and prefers to laugh at the participants as they stiffen.
Andrew Kesin (brain) is playing this year. He says football good, watching bad.
Bill Rustum (back) is doubtful for the game. He claims to have had recent back surgery, and will show the scar to anyone interested. Just ask.
Chris "Dom" Colasanti(knee, bad attitude) is also doubtful for the game. He will be on hand, however, to race John Nulty before the game in a renewal of the Slowest Man in Maplewood race.
Other people who aren't injured but who are listed as doubtful include Frank DeFilipis, who still says he can't stray too far from the fine pizza he finds in New York City to play in the game; and Mike Sanchez, who says stop bothering him, can't you see that's he's much more important than we are?
ROSTERS
Cutters
Rich Bayer
Chris Colasanti
Steve Dietz
Chris Gefken
Eric Kohlsaat
Jon Lubow
John Nulty
Lars Novak
Non-Cutters
Joe Santasiere
Ken Hogenauer
Dave Niffen
Phil Neery
Doug MacDonald
Andrew Kesin
Brian O'Neill
Craig Zusi
Chris Zusi
Rusty Zusi
THE SKINNY
Expect a lot of roster changes before kickoff, due to committee sloth and indifference. Any players who show up will, of course, be placed on a team. Any players who don't, well, whatever. Last year for the first time there were co-MVPs, JonLubow, who won for the second year in a row; and Steve Dietz, whose heart and drive caught the eyes of voters, despite the fact that he was on the losing team. Still, his odds for repeating are 100-1. Lubow's odds for winning the will decrease from last year's opening odds: 2-5. Frankly, we would be shocked it he DIDN'T win. And from the way he reportedly has been reportedly crowing about laughable level of competition in this game, he feels the same way. Everyone else's odds will be 25-1, with these notable exceptions: John Nulty: 10-1-He's learned to throw the ball to Lubow. Rich Bayer: 26-1-The man wants to play touch. Joe Santasiere: 30-1. Fatherhood has slowed him down.
THE RULES
The rules are the same as they have been for the last twelve years. Five men play on a side; three completions make a first down; two men must be on the offensive line; the center is not eligible to catch a pass; one blitz every four downs; no laterals beyond the line of scrimmage. Cleats are not banned, but they are frowned upon.
SOME FINAL WORDS
This year the Dimpel Rule is again in effect, so anyone who plays but does not check in at the party the night before will not be eligible for MVP voting. Also, once again keep in mind the person who distinguishes himself at the party and still manages to play in the game. This person will receive special notice, and this year will be awarded the Drunkest Guy at the Party the Night Before to Actually Play in the Game Award, now named the Gloshinski Award, because we know he'd win it if he were here.
This year's game will start at 10:30 on Thanksgiving morning. This is slightly earlier than it's been in the past, but this change should help more of us get to our dinners on time and be more sociable. (Yeah, right.)
Good luck, and have a safe game.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
