Do you remember how it used to be? Do you remember when you looked forward to Thanksgiving Dinner? You'd spend the morning with family growing hungry as the smell of turkey and all the trimmings wafted through the house. Around noon you'd turn on the TV and watch a little football, maybe with a beer and some walnuts in the shell. Then, sometime near the end of the first football game, you'd sit down to a hearty, leisurely meal, secure in the knowledge that when you got up from the table you would fell full, but comfortable and content. Does any of this ring a bell? Probably not, but we thought we'd remind you of what Thanksgiving used to be like, and what it is like for the vast majority of Americans, those unlucky millions who cannot participate in the Turkey Bowl. These people will never know the satisfaction associated with a Thanksgiving weekend full of nausea and headache and pain.
Yes, it's almost game time again.
At eleven o' clock on Thanksgiving morning, the faithful will once again gather in Orchard Park, and the number of the faithful seems on the decline. This year we have already received word that Chris Colasanti and Mike Sanchez will not be playing. Dom says that his knee "just hasn't come around" from his surgery last year, but the feeling here is that his wife does not want him racing John Nulty before the game. As for Mike Sanchez, apparently he has to make sure that everybody is DOING SOMETHING! for him, a job that requires him to work on Thanksgiving. Also out of the game is Andrew Kesin, who is recovering from successful brain surgery, and if you stand next to him and stay real quiet, you can still hear the wind whistle through his skull. Chris Zusi is also out this year, his Manhattan Project at Los Alamos is taking more time than he thought. His brother Mike will also be absent. Rich Bayer will be there, but he wants to play touch, so he doesn't really count. Probably the biggest roster news is that Dave Gloshinski has returned from the Great Northwest to play in this year's game. He also recently got married, as did Andrew Kesin, and the two of them are quite happy living together, without their wives, in Maplewood.
But Kesin and Gloshinski are just two of the newlyweds playing in this game. John Nulty and Rich Bayer also got married in the off season, though not to each other. Chris Colasanti got married as well, but since he's not playing, who cares? What all of this means is that these guys no longer have to impress their wives' families at Thanksgiving. Now that they are members of the family, they can fall asleep on the couch without embarrassment.
Now for the rosters. If anyone is keeping track of these things, he will notice that these rosters are almost identical to those of last year. This is because the Committee has been lazier than usual and hasn't bothered to track down participants. In fact, at press time, there was some question as to whether there would be a Turkey Bowl at all. Not only have their been defections from the roster, but the meeting place has not been established. However, if you are reading this, it means that you have been located and enlisted to play in the game, so we will play.
Cutters
Chris Gefken
Phil Neery
Dave Niffen
Rusty Zusi
Joe Martineau
Brian O'Neill
Dave Gloshinski
Non-Cutters
John Nulty
Rich Bayer
Jon Lubow
Lars Novak
Doug MacDonald
Bill Rustum
Bill Fitzsimmons
The rules are the same as they have been for the last twelve years. Five men to a side; three completions are a first down; two men must be on the offensive line; the center is not eligible to catch a pass; one blitz every four downs; no laterals beyond the line of scrimmage.
You may notice that there are no odds for MVP winners this year. The reason for this is that the Turkey Bowl participants last year allowed a relative newcomer to win the MVP without even breaking a sweat: Jon Lubow. The winner the year before that was Phil Neery. These two go off at the same odds this year: 3(c)5. Everyone else is a field bet of 25-1. However, a new bet has been established this year: with Glosh back in the game and John Nulty even fatter and sassier than last year now that he is married, the over/under for interceptions is 12 1/2.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
