This one came right down to the wire, but yes, Virginia, there will be a Turkey Bowl this year. Last year Bob Evans threatened to sit out the game but the threat never came to pass; this year it has. Bob Evans, i. e. Dave Gloshinski, Andrew Kesin, and Brian O'Neill have hit the road and are currently somewhere between Texas and Oregon. No one has heard from them, not even for bail money, so we have to assume that they are okay.
They are just a part of the exodus that the Turkey Bowl has seen this year, however. Ken Hogenauer and Brett Jenks have also chosen not to attend. Ken has taken all of that business savy he accumulated while selling Christmas trees to the large Christian population in Florida a couple of years ago and gone into business in Colorado selling sweaters made by overworked Ecuadoran peasants. When last heard from he was on a buying trip in Guatemala. Brett, too, is in Central America; he is fomenting revolution in Costa Rica and teaching English on the side.
The final roster change involves Doug MacDonald. This is the guy who made the Turkey Bowl a priority the past two years, even going so far as to fly in from Boston for the day just to play in the game. Well, Doug has finally settled down, and in a big way: his wife, Mary, gave birth to twins a few weeks ago. Mother and children are fine, though they are not letting father out of their sight on Thanksgiving.
This means that six participants from Turkey Bowls past are not playing this year. This number does not include Chris Zusi, who has moved to Carson City, Nevada. This means that there has been active recruiting to find fresh meat. At press time the three new recruits who had checked in with the office were:
1. Jon Lubow --an undersized but fast player who has been playing well in pussy-assed touch football games in Morris County, but what can you expect from a Delbarton Tennis Star?
2. John Lynch -- a frustrated, overworked, yuppie wannabe and Dom's roommate. He'll look to put a lick on the Dom.
3. Ed Donohoe --an ultra-competitive, sickly, pale, law school student who claims that football is his best game.
This means that the rosters are as follows:
Cutters
Chris (Dom) Colasanti (15-1)
Chris Gefken (14-1)
Phil Neery (2-1)
Dave Mairo (30-1)
Dave Niffen (10-1)
Craig Zusi (12-1)
Mike Zusi
Rusty Zusi (10-1)
Joe Martineau (30-1)
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer (12-1)
Frank DeFilippis (5-1)
Ed Donohoe (11-1)
Jon Lubow (6-1)
Lars Novak (8-1)
John Lynch (20-1)
John Nulty (15-1)
Mike Sanchez (3-1)
Now, these are just the players who have checked in; any new players will be distributed at the party. As far as the odds for the MVP award are concerned, almost everyone's odds went up since last year. The only person whose odds went down is Mike Sanchez. This was done in the belief that he can't stand the pressure of being the favorite. The committee thought about putting the Zusis together in a field bet since they haven't produced in quite a while, but we thought that would be too cruel. Speaking of producing, did the Dom actually play last year?
Remember that in order to be eligible for the coveted MVP award, players must, according to the Dimpel Rule, attend the party. Also there is the Lampshade Award, which is given to the player who gives the best performance at the pre-game party. This year the competition for that award should be wide open since for the past three years the award has gone to a member of the Bob Evans trio. Also up for grabs with the departure of Bob Evans is the record for most consecutive incompletions. Glosh holds this unofficial record, but Nulty came close to breaking it last year. Look for him to give it a serious run this year as well.
Now for the rules. After the game last year the Commissioner heard some complaints from players about the use of cleats. It seems that some participants have forgotten that the whole idea behind the Turkey Bowl is to show how UN athletic we are. With this in mind, the Commissioner recommends that no cleats be used this year, but turf shoes are acceptable. Remember, this is how it used to be until a few years ago, so don't complain that this is a new rule.
The other rules remain the same: three completions are a first down; laterals are only allowed behind the line of scrimmage; one blitz for every four downs; two down lineman on offense; and the center is not eligible to catch a pass.
The game starts at eleven sharp on Thanksgiving Day in Orchard Park. Let's hope that the game is as exciting as last year when Rusty Zusi fumbled the ball on the goal line to end the game. Now who recovered that fumble again?
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
