Do you remember how it used to be? Do you remember when you looked forward to Thanksgiving Dinner? You'd spend the morning with family growing hungry as the smell of turkey and all the trimmings wafted through the house. Around noon you'd turn on the TV and watch a little football, maybe with a beer and some walnuts in the shell. Then, sometime near the end of the first football game, you'd sit down to a hearty, leisurely meal, secure in the knowledge that when you got up from the table you would fell full, but comfortable and content. Does any of this ring a bell? Probably not, but we thought we'd remind you of what Thanksgiving used to be like, and what it is like for the vast majority of Americans, those unlucky millions who cannot participate in the Turkey Bowl. These people will never know the satisfaction associated with a Thanksgiving weekend full of nausea and headache and pain.
Yes, it's almost game time again.
At eleven o' clock on Thanksgiving morning, the faithful will once again gather in Orchard Park, and the number of the faithful seems on the decline. This year we have already received word that Chris Colasanti and Mike Sanchez will not be playing. Dom says that his knee "just hasn't come around" from his surgery last year, but the feeling here is that his wife does not want him racing John Nulty before the game. As for Mike Sanchez, apparently he has to make sure that everybody is DOING SOMETHING! for him, a job that requires him to work on Thanksgiving. Also out of the game is Andrew Kesin, who is recovering from successful brain surgery, and if you stand next to him and stay real quiet, you can still hear the wind whistle through his skull. Chris Zusi is also out this year, his Manhattan Project at Los Alamos is taking more time than he thought. His brother Mike will also be absent. Rich Bayer will be there, but he wants to play touch, so he doesn't really count. Probably the biggest roster news is that Dave Gloshinski has returned from the Great Northwest to play in this year's game. He also recently got married, as did Andrew Kesin, and the two of them are quite happy living together, without their wives, in Maplewood.
But Kesin and Gloshinski are just two of the newlyweds playing in this game. John Nulty and Rich Bayer also got married in the off season, though not to each other. Chris Colasanti got married as well, but since he's not playing, who cares? What all of this means is that these guys no longer have to impress their wives' families at Thanksgiving. Now that they are members of the family, they can fall asleep on the couch without embarrassment.
Now for the rosters. If anyone is keeping track of these things, he will notice that these rosters are almost identical to those of last year. This is because the Committee has been lazier than usual and hasn't bothered to track down participants. In fact, at press time, there was some question as to whether there would be a Turkey Bowl at all. Not only have their been defections from the roster, but the meeting place has not been established. However, if you are reading this, it means that you have been located and enlisted to play in the game, so we will play.
Cutters
Chris Gefken
Phil Neery
Dave Niffen
Rusty Zusi
Joe Martineau
Brian O'Neill
Dave Gloshinski
Non-Cutters
John Nulty
Rich Bayer
Jon Lubow
Lars Novak
Doug MacDonald
Bill Rustum
Bill Fitzsimmons
The rules are the same as they have been for the last twelve years. Five men to a side; three completions are a first down; two men must be on the offensive line; the center is not eligible to catch a pass; one blitz every four downs; no laterals beyond the line of scrimmage.
You may notice that there are no odds for MVP winners this year. The reason for this is that the Turkey Bowl participants last year allowed a relative newcomer to win the MVP without even breaking a sweat: Jon Lubow. The winner the year before that was Phil Neery. These two go off at the same odds this year: 3(c)5. Everyone else is a field bet of 25-1. However, a new bet has been established this year: with Glosh back in the game and John Nulty even fatter and sassier than last year now that he is married, the over/under for interceptions is 12 1/2.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
Monday, November 21, 1994
Sunday, November 21, 1993
1993
The times they are a changin' for participants of the Turkey Bowl. Where once the only patterns we used to be concerned about were the ones that John Nulty overthrew, now there is talk of china patterns. Just ask Rich Bayer: he'll tell you which type he and his fiancee have picked out. With all of the weddings, engagements, and ijnuries happening to our players, this year's squad may be the thinnest in years.
Out with injury are Chris Colasanti, whose knee is just not responding to the scoping he had don six weeks ago, and Andrew "Mangle Foot" Kesin, motorcycle daredevil. Out by virtue of geography are Dave Gloshinski, who is paving the Great Northwest; Ken Hogenauer, who is clothing the Continental Divide; and Brett Jenks, who is exploring the heart of darkness in Central America. Chris Zusi, too, has emigrated to the west, and this year he has even gone so far as to lure his brother Mike out to Nevada, preventing both of them from participating this year.
Then there are those who are no longer allowed to play: Craig Zusi and Mark Vanderfleit have to sit at home with their wives. This is, no doubt, what lies in he future for the newly engaged Rich Bayer, John Nulty, and Chris Colasanti, who was so romantic as to get engaged on Valentine's Day. Hopefully these guys will take a lesson from Doug MacDonald, he king of deception when it comes to getting away for the game.
To complicate matters further, the Commissioner has been characteristically lazy in putting things together, and even at the late press date this year, the exact participation is unknown. But do not fear: Andrew Shue may be a teen heartthrob getting rich out in Hollywood, but we will still gather every Thanksgiving morning to ensure we all have a painful dinner where we stiffen as we eat.
Here are the Rosters:
Cutters
Chris Gefken 28-1
Phil Neery 2-5
Dave Niffen 20-1
Rusty Zusi 29-1
Joe Martineau 30-1
Brian O'Neill 50-1
Ed Polato Off
Anthony Solanno Off
Non-Cutters
John Nulty 30-1
Rich Bayer 24-1
Jon Lubow 6-1
Mike Sanchez 7-1
Lars Novak 16-1
Doug MacDonald 9-1
Bill Rustum 20-1
Drew Isaacson 30-1
This year, more than any other year, the rosters may change up until game time. Just remember that the decision of the Commissioner is final, so suck it up.
The rules this year remain the same as in years past. Five men to a side; three completions are a first down; two men must be on the line; the center is not eligible to catch a pass; no laterals beyond the line of scrimmage; one blitz every four downs. Also remember that the ban on cleats from last year is still in effect. Turf shoes are okay, but cleats just encourage people to be athletic, something that we want to discourage.
Of course, looking at this year's field, the idea of athleticism may not be something we have to worry about. Everyone who participated last year has had his odds of winning the MVP award double, except for Phil, who, as the first two-time winner, saw his odds go down, and Rusty. For Rusty, the odds makers simply added together all of the odds for all of the Zusis who played last year-the final tally seemed about right. Mike Sanchez's odds, interestingly enough, now equal the number of fumbles he had last year. But no one stands out this year, so we are ripe for a surprise winner, maybe. Where have you gone, Chris Gefken? Could this finally be Rich Bayer's year? Should we dare to dream?
One final serious matter has to be discussed. Last year no one distinguished himself enough to win the coveted Drunkest Person at the Party the Night Before Who Actually Played in the Game Award. From now on this award will be known as the Bob Evans Award, since one or all of the members of Bob Evans have won it in recent memory. Anyway, the Dimpel rule was instituted to ensure that no one stayed home the night before to be too fresh for the game. The Turkey Bowl was founded on the ideals of staying up all night. We need less of Rich Bayer, who says, "I cannot feel as bad as I did last year," and more of John Nulty, who is striving for the unprecedented Daily Double of awards. To remind everyone of these principles, Drew Isaacson, professional drunk, has been brought in to show you how it is done. The sad thing is, he might just win the award without even trying.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
Out with injury are Chris Colasanti, whose knee is just not responding to the scoping he had don six weeks ago, and Andrew "Mangle Foot" Kesin, motorcycle daredevil. Out by virtue of geography are Dave Gloshinski, who is paving the Great Northwest; Ken Hogenauer, who is clothing the Continental Divide; and Brett Jenks, who is exploring the heart of darkness in Central America. Chris Zusi, too, has emigrated to the west, and this year he has even gone so far as to lure his brother Mike out to Nevada, preventing both of them from participating this year.
Then there are those who are no longer allowed to play: Craig Zusi and Mark Vanderfleit have to sit at home with their wives. This is, no doubt, what lies in he future for the newly engaged Rich Bayer, John Nulty, and Chris Colasanti, who was so romantic as to get engaged on Valentine's Day. Hopefully these guys will take a lesson from Doug MacDonald, he king of deception when it comes to getting away for the game.
To complicate matters further, the Commissioner has been characteristically lazy in putting things together, and even at the late press date this year, the exact participation is unknown. But do not fear: Andrew Shue may be a teen heartthrob getting rich out in Hollywood, but we will still gather every Thanksgiving morning to ensure we all have a painful dinner where we stiffen as we eat.
Here are the Rosters:
Cutters
Chris Gefken 28-1
Phil Neery 2-5
Dave Niffen 20-1
Rusty Zusi 29-1
Joe Martineau 30-1
Brian O'Neill 50-1
Ed Polato Off
Anthony Solanno Off
Non-Cutters
John Nulty 30-1
Rich Bayer 24-1
Jon Lubow 6-1
Mike Sanchez 7-1
Lars Novak 16-1
Doug MacDonald 9-1
Bill Rustum 20-1
Drew Isaacson 30-1
This year, more than any other year, the rosters may change up until game time. Just remember that the decision of the Commissioner is final, so suck it up.
The rules this year remain the same as in years past. Five men to a side; three completions are a first down; two men must be on the line; the center is not eligible to catch a pass; no laterals beyond the line of scrimmage; one blitz every four downs. Also remember that the ban on cleats from last year is still in effect. Turf shoes are okay, but cleats just encourage people to be athletic, something that we want to discourage.
Of course, looking at this year's field, the idea of athleticism may not be something we have to worry about. Everyone who participated last year has had his odds of winning the MVP award double, except for Phil, who, as the first two-time winner, saw his odds go down, and Rusty. For Rusty, the odds makers simply added together all of the odds for all of the Zusis who played last year-the final tally seemed about right. Mike Sanchez's odds, interestingly enough, now equal the number of fumbles he had last year. But no one stands out this year, so we are ripe for a surprise winner, maybe. Where have you gone, Chris Gefken? Could this finally be Rich Bayer's year? Should we dare to dream?
One final serious matter has to be discussed. Last year no one distinguished himself enough to win the coveted Drunkest Person at the Party the Night Before Who Actually Played in the Game Award. From now on this award will be known as the Bob Evans Award, since one or all of the members of Bob Evans have won it in recent memory. Anyway, the Dimpel rule was instituted to ensure that no one stayed home the night before to be too fresh for the game. The Turkey Bowl was founded on the ideals of staying up all night. We need less of Rich Bayer, who says, "I cannot feel as bad as I did last year," and more of John Nulty, who is striving for the unprecedented Daily Double of awards. To remind everyone of these principles, Drew Isaacson, professional drunk, has been brought in to show you how it is done. The sad thing is, he might just win the award without even trying.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
Saturday, November 21, 1992
1992
This one came right down to the wire, but yes, Virginia, there will be a Turkey Bowl this year. Last year Bob Evans threatened to sit out the game but the threat never came to pass; this year it has. Bob Evans, i. e. Dave Gloshinski, Andrew Kesin, and Brian O'Neill have hit the road and are currently somewhere between Texas and Oregon. No one has heard from them, not even for bail money, so we have to assume that they are okay.
They are just a part of the exodus that the Turkey Bowl has seen this year, however. Ken Hogenauer and Brett Jenks have also chosen not to attend. Ken has taken all of that business savy he accumulated while selling Christmas trees to the large Christian population in Florida a couple of years ago and gone into business in Colorado selling sweaters made by overworked Ecuadoran peasants. When last heard from he was on a buying trip in Guatemala. Brett, too, is in Central America; he is fomenting revolution in Costa Rica and teaching English on the side.
The final roster change involves Doug MacDonald. This is the guy who made the Turkey Bowl a priority the past two years, even going so far as to fly in from Boston for the day just to play in the game. Well, Doug has finally settled down, and in a big way: his wife, Mary, gave birth to twins a few weeks ago. Mother and children are fine, though they are not letting father out of their sight on Thanksgiving.
This means that six participants from Turkey Bowls past are not playing this year. This number does not include Chris Zusi, who has moved to Carson City, Nevada. This means that there has been active recruiting to find fresh meat. At press time the three new recruits who had checked in with the office were:
1. Jon Lubow --an undersized but fast player who has been playing well in pussy-assed touch football games in Morris County, but what can you expect from a Delbarton Tennis Star?
2. John Lynch -- a frustrated, overworked, yuppie wannabe and Dom's roommate. He'll look to put a lick on the Dom.
3. Ed Donohoe --an ultra-competitive, sickly, pale, law school student who claims that football is his best game.
This means that the rosters are as follows:
Cutters
Chris (Dom) Colasanti (15-1)
Chris Gefken (14-1)
Phil Neery (2-1)
Dave Mairo (30-1)
Dave Niffen (10-1)
Craig Zusi (12-1)
Mike Zusi
Rusty Zusi (10-1)
Joe Martineau (30-1)
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer (12-1)
Frank DeFilippis (5-1)
Ed Donohoe (11-1)
Jon Lubow (6-1)
Lars Novak (8-1)
John Lynch (20-1)
John Nulty (15-1)
Mike Sanchez (3-1)
Now, these are just the players who have checked in; any new players will be distributed at the party. As far as the odds for the MVP award are concerned, almost everyone's odds went up since last year. The only person whose odds went down is Mike Sanchez. This was done in the belief that he can't stand the pressure of being the favorite. The committee thought about putting the Zusis together in a field bet since they haven't produced in quite a while, but we thought that would be too cruel. Speaking of producing, did the Dom actually play last year?
Remember that in order to be eligible for the coveted MVP award, players must, according to the Dimpel Rule, attend the party. Also there is the Lampshade Award, which is given to the player who gives the best performance at the pre-game party. This year the competition for that award should be wide open since for the past three years the award has gone to a member of the Bob Evans trio. Also up for grabs with the departure of Bob Evans is the record for most consecutive incompletions. Glosh holds this unofficial record, but Nulty came close to breaking it last year. Look for him to give it a serious run this year as well.
Now for the rules. After the game last year the Commissioner heard some complaints from players about the use of cleats. It seems that some participants have forgotten that the whole idea behind the Turkey Bowl is to show how UN athletic we are. With this in mind, the Commissioner recommends that no cleats be used this year, but turf shoes are acceptable. Remember, this is how it used to be until a few years ago, so don't complain that this is a new rule.
The other rules remain the same: three completions are a first down; laterals are only allowed behind the line of scrimmage; one blitz for every four downs; two down lineman on offense; and the center is not eligible to catch a pass.
The game starts at eleven sharp on Thanksgiving Day in Orchard Park. Let's hope that the game is as exciting as last year when Rusty Zusi fumbled the ball on the goal line to end the game. Now who recovered that fumble again?
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
They are just a part of the exodus that the Turkey Bowl has seen this year, however. Ken Hogenauer and Brett Jenks have also chosen not to attend. Ken has taken all of that business savy he accumulated while selling Christmas trees to the large Christian population in Florida a couple of years ago and gone into business in Colorado selling sweaters made by overworked Ecuadoran peasants. When last heard from he was on a buying trip in Guatemala. Brett, too, is in Central America; he is fomenting revolution in Costa Rica and teaching English on the side.
The final roster change involves Doug MacDonald. This is the guy who made the Turkey Bowl a priority the past two years, even going so far as to fly in from Boston for the day just to play in the game. Well, Doug has finally settled down, and in a big way: his wife, Mary, gave birth to twins a few weeks ago. Mother and children are fine, though they are not letting father out of their sight on Thanksgiving.
This means that six participants from Turkey Bowls past are not playing this year. This number does not include Chris Zusi, who has moved to Carson City, Nevada. This means that there has been active recruiting to find fresh meat. At press time the three new recruits who had checked in with the office were:
1. Jon Lubow --an undersized but fast player who has been playing well in pussy-assed touch football games in Morris County, but what can you expect from a Delbarton Tennis Star?
2. John Lynch -- a frustrated, overworked, yuppie wannabe and Dom's roommate. He'll look to put a lick on the Dom.
3. Ed Donohoe --an ultra-competitive, sickly, pale, law school student who claims that football is his best game.
This means that the rosters are as follows:
Cutters
Chris (Dom) Colasanti (15-1)
Chris Gefken (14-1)
Phil Neery (2-1)
Dave Mairo (30-1)
Dave Niffen (10-1)
Craig Zusi (12-1)
Mike Zusi
Rusty Zusi (10-1)
Joe Martineau (30-1)
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer (12-1)
Frank DeFilippis (5-1)
Ed Donohoe (11-1)
Jon Lubow (6-1)
Lars Novak (8-1)
John Lynch (20-1)
John Nulty (15-1)
Mike Sanchez (3-1)
Now, these are just the players who have checked in; any new players will be distributed at the party. As far as the odds for the MVP award are concerned, almost everyone's odds went up since last year. The only person whose odds went down is Mike Sanchez. This was done in the belief that he can't stand the pressure of being the favorite. The committee thought about putting the Zusis together in a field bet since they haven't produced in quite a while, but we thought that would be too cruel. Speaking of producing, did the Dom actually play last year?
Remember that in order to be eligible for the coveted MVP award, players must, according to the Dimpel Rule, attend the party. Also there is the Lampshade Award, which is given to the player who gives the best performance at the pre-game party. This year the competition for that award should be wide open since for the past three years the award has gone to a member of the Bob Evans trio. Also up for grabs with the departure of Bob Evans is the record for most consecutive incompletions. Glosh holds this unofficial record, but Nulty came close to breaking it last year. Look for him to give it a serious run this year as well.
Now for the rules. After the game last year the Commissioner heard some complaints from players about the use of cleats. It seems that some participants have forgotten that the whole idea behind the Turkey Bowl is to show how UN athletic we are. With this in mind, the Commissioner recommends that no cleats be used this year, but turf shoes are acceptable. Remember, this is how it used to be until a few years ago, so don't complain that this is a new rule.
The other rules remain the same: three completions are a first down; laterals are only allowed behind the line of scrimmage; one blitz for every four downs; two down lineman on offense; and the center is not eligible to catch a pass.
The game starts at eleven sharp on Thanksgiving Day in Orchard Park. Let's hope that the game is as exciting as last year when Rusty Zusi fumbled the ball on the goal line to end the game. Now who recovered that fumble again?
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
Thursday, November 21, 1991
1991
With the Giants and the Jets both trudging toward mediocrity, the committee was pleased to learn that interest in this year's Turkey Bowl is once again as keen as ever. Of course, there was some question as to whether or not this game would even come off, because apparently Bob Evans was seriously contemplating blowing off this year's game to play in some MTV Rock n' Jocks Thanksgiving day football game with Huey Lewis and The New Kids. Christ, you put one album out and you think you're Extreme or something. Oh, by the way, Bob Evans requests that they don't get hurt.
But after consulting other participants, and our own conscience, we decided that no band is bigger than the game. The game will be here long after any of us has gone. So just remember that. When you get wrapped up in you own pathetic lives and forget about the Committee and the game, we will still be here putting out this newsletter. You can't escape, and neither can we. But luckily we don't have to worry about that this year.
Anyway, back to the game at hand. In the area of bold predictions, we have a couple this year. Mike Sanchez is still whining about not winning the MVP award last year, and vows to win it this year. He might do it, too, if he remembers that he can't start resting on his laurels until after the game. Ken Hogenauer claims that he played in a game where his team won 7-6, and he scored all of the points. Whether or not touchdowns counted for one point or seven is unclear. The most interesting prediction this year, however, comes from John Nulty, who has declared that he will win the Daily Double this year by winning not only the MVP award but the Drunkest Meeting Reveler to Actually Participate in the Game. Of course, his chances of doing this seem slim now that Gloshinki is in town to defend his drinking title. There's a rumor going around that he has developed a new dance for the party this year, too.
Okay, the teams:
Cutters
Chris Gefken (10-1)
Dave Gloshinski (6-1)
Andrew Kesin (5-1)
Brian O'Neill (15-1)
Bill Rustum (8-1)
Brett Jenks (5-2)
Mike Zusi (6-1)
Craig Zusi (6-1)
Rusty Zusi (7-1)
Steve Dietz (18-1)
Bob Jellinek (50-1)
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer (10-1/7-2)
Chris Colasanti (12-1)
Frank DeFilippis (6-1)
Ken Hogenauer (16-1)
Mike Sanchez (5-1)
Lars Novak (7-1)
John Nulty (8-1)
Mark Vanderfleet (4-1)
Phil Neils (3-1)
Dave Niffen (8-1)
Okay, this year not much thinking at all went into making these teams. The numbers that follow the names are the posted odds for winning the MVP trophy. For Rich, the odds of him winning the MVP award are 10-1; his odds of finishing law school are 7-2. What aren't posted are the odds of him showing up at all, since he seems to have disavowed himself of his friends. There will be a supplemental draft at the meeting to distribute new players, if necessary.
There are a couple of names absent from the list, but that may be just because they have not checked in lately. One name that is missing is Doug MacDonald. For the past two years, Doug has flown down from Boston just to play in the game. This year, he has moved back from Boston, but he cannot play in the game. Ironic, huh? Chris Zusi is not on the list either, just as he wasn't last year, but there are rumors around that he may play. I'm sure that will make his parents happy. The only Zusi clan member on the list this year is Mike, but we feel confident that others will show up.
Of course, any latecomers to the roster will be ineligible to win the MVP award unless they show up at the meeting the night before the game. This is the so-called Dimpel rule. The only other rules to keep in mind are three completions are a first down; laterals only behind the line of scrimmage; one blitz for every four downs; two down linemen on offense; and the center is not eligible to catch a pass.
As of press time, the party will be at the usual place and time. This year, in order to help defray the cost of the party, there will be a betting pool on score and winner. And any other betting that we can think of where we can make a profit will also be considered.
In closing, the game starts at eleven sharp on Thanksgiving Day in Orchard Park. And remember, win any way you can, just as long as you don't get caught.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
But after consulting other participants, and our own conscience, we decided that no band is bigger than the game. The game will be here long after any of us has gone. So just remember that. When you get wrapped up in you own pathetic lives and forget about the Committee and the game, we will still be here putting out this newsletter. You can't escape, and neither can we. But luckily we don't have to worry about that this year.
Anyway, back to the game at hand. In the area of bold predictions, we have a couple this year. Mike Sanchez is still whining about not winning the MVP award last year, and vows to win it this year. He might do it, too, if he remembers that he can't start resting on his laurels until after the game. Ken Hogenauer claims that he played in a game where his team won 7-6, and he scored all of the points. Whether or not touchdowns counted for one point or seven is unclear. The most interesting prediction this year, however, comes from John Nulty, who has declared that he will win the Daily Double this year by winning not only the MVP award but the Drunkest Meeting Reveler to Actually Participate in the Game. Of course, his chances of doing this seem slim now that Gloshinki is in town to defend his drinking title. There's a rumor going around that he has developed a new dance for the party this year, too.
Okay, the teams:
Cutters
Chris Gefken (10-1)
Dave Gloshinski (6-1)
Andrew Kesin (5-1)
Brian O'Neill (15-1)
Bill Rustum (8-1)
Brett Jenks (5-2)
Mike Zusi (6-1)
Craig Zusi (6-1)
Rusty Zusi (7-1)
Steve Dietz (18-1)
Bob Jellinek (50-1)
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer (10-1/7-2)
Chris Colasanti (12-1)
Frank DeFilippis (6-1)
Ken Hogenauer (16-1)
Mike Sanchez (5-1)
Lars Novak (7-1)
John Nulty (8-1)
Mark Vanderfleet (4-1)
Phil Neils (3-1)
Dave Niffen (8-1)
Okay, this year not much thinking at all went into making these teams. The numbers that follow the names are the posted odds for winning the MVP trophy. For Rich, the odds of him winning the MVP award are 10-1; his odds of finishing law school are 7-2. What aren't posted are the odds of him showing up at all, since he seems to have disavowed himself of his friends. There will be a supplemental draft at the meeting to distribute new players, if necessary.
There are a couple of names absent from the list, but that may be just because they have not checked in lately. One name that is missing is Doug MacDonald. For the past two years, Doug has flown down from Boston just to play in the game. This year, he has moved back from Boston, but he cannot play in the game. Ironic, huh? Chris Zusi is not on the list either, just as he wasn't last year, but there are rumors around that he may play. I'm sure that will make his parents happy. The only Zusi clan member on the list this year is Mike, but we feel confident that others will show up.
Of course, any latecomers to the roster will be ineligible to win the MVP award unless they show up at the meeting the night before the game. This is the so-called Dimpel rule. The only other rules to keep in mind are three completions are a first down; laterals only behind the line of scrimmage; one blitz for every four downs; two down linemen on offense; and the center is not eligible to catch a pass.
As of press time, the party will be at the usual place and time. This year, in order to help defray the cost of the party, there will be a betting pool on score and winner. And any other betting that we can think of where we can make a profit will also be considered.
In closing, the game starts at eleven sharp on Thanksgiving Day in Orchard Park. And remember, win any way you can, just as long as you don't get caught.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
Wednesday, November 21, 1990
1990
Once again, it's fall. The leaves are falling, Columbia High School is losing another football game, and Bob Evans is accosting young women in the name of Rock n' Roll.
It must be time for the Turkey Bowl, the time when we gather together at Orchard Park in the spirit of friendship and thanksgiving and attempt to drive our friends faces as deep into the mud as possible so that we can abuse them for a whole year.
As usual, the committee has been hard at work charting and chuckling at the comings and goings of the Turkey Bowl participants. Geographically the job has become more difficult, especially with the mass migration to Mass., particularly Boston and its suburbs, but no task it too great for the underpaid but highly dedicated and motivated Committee. Despite the obstacles, we have compiled extensive scouting reports on each participant, including recent x-rays and urinalysis or blood test or breathalyzer, as the case may be. All of this information has been diligently sifted through to provide the fairest possible contest on Thanksgiving Day.
It should be pointed out, however, also in the name of fair play, that vengeance has also been taken into account. Specific requests regarding personnel distribution have been received, and those with merit (read: money) have been accommodated. Thus, the rosters are as follows:
(Record) Cutters
Punk Boy
Chris Gefken
Dave Gloshinski
Brett Jenks
Andrew Kesin
Doug MacDonald
Brian O'Neill
Bill Rustum
Mark Vanderfleet
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer
Chris Colasanti
Frank DeFilipis
Ken Hogenauer
Dave Mairo
Dave Niffen
Lars Novak
John Nulty
Mike Zusi
This year the game has become truly national in scope. Not only do we have Bob Evans, recording artists (or is it artistes?), coming in from Boston with various groupies, hangers on, and guiltless, bloodsucking fortune hunters, but we have Brett Jenks, whose parents are searching for Elvis, playing; and Bill Rustum, the pushy New Yorker, is flying in from his expansive cattle ranch in Kansas City. He feels that by traveling so far his odds of touching the ball at least once this year will be increased.
Actually, in a pick-up game with Nulty, Colasanti, and Shelffo, Rustum didn't look half-bad. Yes, Shelffo actually picked up he pigskin again, but despite rumors to the contrary, he will not be playing. He feels that he is now too cerebral to be rolling around in the mud. He will, however, condescend to share a few beers and regale us with the latest stories about how he has mercilessly crushed the ego of some hapless college freshmen.
Speaking of college, Mike Sanchez and John "Big Cat" Nulty are in the midst of hei first year of law school at Columbia and Seton Hall, respectively. Rich Bayer is dying to go to law school, and Lars Novak, well, he is just getting schooled on job interviews. This means that not only will he be well-rested after taking last year off, but he'll be pissed as well.
Now the rules. As we all know, five men play at a time. On the offensive line there must be two down linemen, and the center is not eligible to catch a pass. One blitz is permitted every four downs, and three completions are a first down. Laterals are only allowed behind the line of scrimmage.
The meeting will be held this year at the usual place and time. Just a reminder, the goals of the meeting are taunting and drinking to ensure the optimum hangover for preventing potentially dangerous, spectacular play. Once again, he Dimple rule is in effect: anyone bypassing the party but showing up at he game will be ineligible for the coveted and stories MVP award.
But wait, there's more. Two more awards will be presented this year, one for best uniform, and on for Drunkest Meeting Reveler to Actually Participate in the Game. (Just a hunch, but it will probably be a toss up between Gloshinski and Vanderfleet for this one.)
A couple of final notes. The Committee has recently learned that Doug MacDonald will be flying in on Thanksgiving morning solely for the purpose of playing in the game. This is the second year in a row that he will be doing this, although it is hard to believe that his wife is falling for the "just going out for smokes" ruse again this year.
Finally, this year figures to have the largest participation ever, so the competition will be fierce. In closing, here is a list of the past MVP winners.
Chris Gefken
Brett Jenks
Phil Neery
John Nulty
Remember, the game starts at eleven sharp at Orchard Park on Thanksgiving Day.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
It must be time for the Turkey Bowl, the time when we gather together at Orchard Park in the spirit of friendship and thanksgiving and attempt to drive our friends faces as deep into the mud as possible so that we can abuse them for a whole year.
As usual, the committee has been hard at work charting and chuckling at the comings and goings of the Turkey Bowl participants. Geographically the job has become more difficult, especially with the mass migration to Mass., particularly Boston and its suburbs, but no task it too great for the underpaid but highly dedicated and motivated Committee. Despite the obstacles, we have compiled extensive scouting reports on each participant, including recent x-rays and urinalysis or blood test or breathalyzer, as the case may be. All of this information has been diligently sifted through to provide the fairest possible contest on Thanksgiving Day.
It should be pointed out, however, also in the name of fair play, that vengeance has also been taken into account. Specific requests regarding personnel distribution have been received, and those with merit (read: money) have been accommodated. Thus, the rosters are as follows:
(Record) Cutters
Punk Boy
Chris Gefken
Dave Gloshinski
Brett Jenks
Andrew Kesin
Doug MacDonald
Brian O'Neill
Bill Rustum
Mark Vanderfleet
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer
Chris Colasanti
Frank DeFilipis
Ken Hogenauer
Dave Mairo
Dave Niffen
Lars Novak
John Nulty
Mike Zusi
This year the game has become truly national in scope. Not only do we have Bob Evans, recording artists (or is it artistes?), coming in from Boston with various groupies, hangers on, and guiltless, bloodsucking fortune hunters, but we have Brett Jenks, whose parents are searching for Elvis, playing; and Bill Rustum, the pushy New Yorker, is flying in from his expansive cattle ranch in Kansas City. He feels that by traveling so far his odds of touching the ball at least once this year will be increased.
Actually, in a pick-up game with Nulty, Colasanti, and Shelffo, Rustum didn't look half-bad. Yes, Shelffo actually picked up he pigskin again, but despite rumors to the contrary, he will not be playing. He feels that he is now too cerebral to be rolling around in the mud. He will, however, condescend to share a few beers and regale us with the latest stories about how he has mercilessly crushed the ego of some hapless college freshmen.
Speaking of college, Mike Sanchez and John "Big Cat" Nulty are in the midst of hei first year of law school at Columbia and Seton Hall, respectively. Rich Bayer is dying to go to law school, and Lars Novak, well, he is just getting schooled on job interviews. This means that not only will he be well-rested after taking last year off, but he'll be pissed as well.
Now the rules. As we all know, five men play at a time. On the offensive line there must be two down linemen, and the center is not eligible to catch a pass. One blitz is permitted every four downs, and three completions are a first down. Laterals are only allowed behind the line of scrimmage.
The meeting will be held this year at the usual place and time. Just a reminder, the goals of the meeting are taunting and drinking to ensure the optimum hangover for preventing potentially dangerous, spectacular play. Once again, he Dimple rule is in effect: anyone bypassing the party but showing up at he game will be ineligible for the coveted and stories MVP award.
But wait, there's more. Two more awards will be presented this year, one for best uniform, and on for Drunkest Meeting Reveler to Actually Participate in the Game. (Just a hunch, but it will probably be a toss up between Gloshinski and Vanderfleet for this one.)
A couple of final notes. The Committee has recently learned that Doug MacDonald will be flying in on Thanksgiving morning solely for the purpose of playing in the game. This is the second year in a row that he will be doing this, although it is hard to believe that his wife is falling for the "just going out for smokes" ruse again this year.
Finally, this year figures to have the largest participation ever, so the competition will be fierce. In closing, here is a list of the past MVP winners.
Chris Gefken
Brett Jenks
Phil Neery
John Nulty
Remember, the game starts at eleven sharp at Orchard Park on Thanksgiving Day.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
Tuesday, November 21, 1989
1989
Just because college is over, for most of us, at least temporarily, it doesn't mean that the Turkey Bowl has ended. In fact, now that we have graduated, the Turkey Bowl becomes that much more important. Now it is no longer merely the highlight of coming home for a long weekend, it's all we've got.
But seriously. Since most of the participants are living at home this year, the Executive Committee gave a lot of thought to changing the team names. After all, Cutters (people who live at home and go to school) and Non-Cutters (people who go away to school) no longer seem appropriate. So it was decided that a contest be held where the person ho came up with the best theme and names would be given a hefty cash prize.
The themes were all remarkably similar: Kesin and Glosh will be coming out of the woods to play football. Some of the better names using his theme were Skip's Scrappers versus Bunny's Bashers, and the South Orange/Maplewood City Slickers against the West Fulton Bumblefucks. These were good, but not great; at least not as good as the names the committee came up with on its own.
So the contest was cancelled. We kept the money and used it to buy this neat letterhead. The names we came up with were the (Wood) Cutters vs. the Non-Cutters. Hey, a little variety goes a long way. As far as who plays with whom, the committee tried to accommodate all reasonable requests.
(Wood) Cutters
Chris Colasanti
Frank DeFilipis
Chris Gefken
Dave Gloshinski
Andrew Kesin
Mike Sanchez
Mark Vanderfleet
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer
Brett Jenks
Dave Mairo
Phil Neery
John Nulty
Bill Rustum
Mike Zusi
Unfortunately, with the collapse of the Player's Union, the league has been unable to confirm that certain people will play, such as Ken Hogenauer who, if he does play, will be a (Wood) Cutter. (Who sill benefit if he does not play, we are not sure). Among those who are definitely not playing are Chris Zusi, who is negotiating a broadcasting deal with the network; Lars Novak, who took off for Colorado and hasn't been heard from since; and John Dimpel who, as we all know, can' come out and play this year.
They are being replaced on the roster by three new faces: Mike Sanchez, Bill Rustum, and Chris "The Dominant Force" Colasanti. Plan B free agents, no doubt.
Now the rules. Five men play at a time. Two down linemen must be on the offensive line, and the center is ineligible to catch a pass. One blitz every four downs, and three completions are a first down. Laterals are allowed behind the line of scrimmage.
As far as the time is concerned, it is open to suggestion. It has been recommended that there be running time until the last two minutes of each half. This will be discussed at the meeting the night before the game.
Ah yes, the meeting. This is a mandatory meeting where taunting of the opposition is encouraged. Also, it is recommended that each player drink excessively. This will ensure that no one will be too fresh.
Last year a player, who shall remain nameless, bypassed the meeting and showed up at the game disgustingly wholesome and healthy. To discourage this, it has been decided hat any player who does not show up at the meeting will be ineligible for the MVP award, to be voted upon immediately following the game. This is the so-called Dimpel rule, after that nameless player.
The only thing left is to remind everyone that game time is 11:00 on Thanksgiving in Orchard Park. Anybody interested in playing who is not mentioned on the final roster may do so with Committee approval.
A few final notes. Rich Bayer has guaranteed that he will be the MVP this year. Kesin and Gloshinski have been practicing at altitude. They have guaranteed a victory. When Mairo and DeFilipis were questioned about the game, they just smiled confidently. John Nulty, meanwhile, says that he will work the Dom lik an ugly redheaded stepchild.
See you Wednesday night.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
But seriously. Since most of the participants are living at home this year, the Executive Committee gave a lot of thought to changing the team names. After all, Cutters (people who live at home and go to school) and Non-Cutters (people who go away to school) no longer seem appropriate. So it was decided that a contest be held where the person ho came up with the best theme and names would be given a hefty cash prize.
The themes were all remarkably similar: Kesin and Glosh will be coming out of the woods to play football. Some of the better names using his theme were Skip's Scrappers versus Bunny's Bashers, and the South Orange/Maplewood City Slickers against the West Fulton Bumblefucks. These were good, but not great; at least not as good as the names the committee came up with on its own.
So the contest was cancelled. We kept the money and used it to buy this neat letterhead. The names we came up with were the (Wood) Cutters vs. the Non-Cutters. Hey, a little variety goes a long way. As far as who plays with whom, the committee tried to accommodate all reasonable requests.
(Wood) Cutters
Chris Colasanti
Frank DeFilipis
Chris Gefken
Dave Gloshinski
Andrew Kesin
Mike Sanchez
Mark Vanderfleet
Non-Cutters
Rich Bayer
Brett Jenks
Dave Mairo
Phil Neery
John Nulty
Bill Rustum
Mike Zusi
Unfortunately, with the collapse of the Player's Union, the league has been unable to confirm that certain people will play, such as Ken Hogenauer who, if he does play, will be a (Wood) Cutter. (Who sill benefit if he does not play, we are not sure). Among those who are definitely not playing are Chris Zusi, who is negotiating a broadcasting deal with the network; Lars Novak, who took off for Colorado and hasn't been heard from since; and John Dimpel who, as we all know, can' come out and play this year.
They are being replaced on the roster by three new faces: Mike Sanchez, Bill Rustum, and Chris "The Dominant Force" Colasanti. Plan B free agents, no doubt.
Now the rules. Five men play at a time. Two down linemen must be on the offensive line, and the center is ineligible to catch a pass. One blitz every four downs, and three completions are a first down. Laterals are allowed behind the line of scrimmage.
As far as the time is concerned, it is open to suggestion. It has been recommended that there be running time until the last two minutes of each half. This will be discussed at the meeting the night before the game.
Ah yes, the meeting. This is a mandatory meeting where taunting of the opposition is encouraged. Also, it is recommended that each player drink excessively. This will ensure that no one will be too fresh.
Last year a player, who shall remain nameless, bypassed the meeting and showed up at the game disgustingly wholesome and healthy. To discourage this, it has been decided hat any player who does not show up at the meeting will be ineligible for the MVP award, to be voted upon immediately following the game. This is the so-called Dimpel rule, after that nameless player.
The only thing left is to remind everyone that game time is 11:00 on Thanksgiving in Orchard Park. Anybody interested in playing who is not mentioned on the final roster may do so with Committee approval.
A few final notes. Rich Bayer has guaranteed that he will be the MVP this year. Kesin and Gloshinski have been practicing at altitude. They have guaranteed a victory. When Mairo and DeFilipis were questioned about the game, they just smiled confidently. John Nulty, meanwhile, says that he will work the Dom lik an ugly redheaded stepchild.
See you Wednesday night.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
Saturday, November 26, 1988
1988
Yes, the countdown has begun. In a matter of hours, the Turkey Bowl
will once again be underway. This is your official invitation to
participate in the fifth annual Turkey Bowl to be held on Thanksgiving
morning at 11:00 am sharp, at Orchard Park.
As usual, there have been many changes in the off-season. Andrew Shelffo has bid a teary farewell to the game after watching his injury over and over again on tape; Joe Santasiere has moved to the desert to find himself; and Chris Gefken moved to Boston to become a college student, though he will be participating this year.
The most recent and startling development is Andrew Kesin's ankle injury. At press time the exact diagnosis is inconclusive, but he will not be able to play.
These changes mean two things. First, the traditional Cutter and Non-Cutter teams will not be squaring off against each other, at least not according to traditional definitions with a Cutter a person who lives at home and goes to school. (Dave Gloshinski, the last surviving Cutter, wanted to play everyone, but we talked him out of it).
The second change is that new players have been drafted. We have Chris Zusi's future brother-in-law and David Gloshinski's future brother-in-law joining the game this year. We also have John Nulty as somewhat of a surprise participant.
So, this being the case, the Executive Council of the Turkey Bowl has come up with the following teams by using very sophisticated and expensive methods. They are as follows:
The first half will consist of two quarters of twenty minutes running time each. The second half will depend on how hard the first half was. And, as usual, MVP voting will take place immediately following the game.
There will be a mandatory meeting on Wednesday night where taunting of opposing players is encouraged. It is also recommended that each player drink to excess so as not to be in great shape Thursday morning. The meeting place will be announced later. Please contact Andrew Kesin, David Gloshinksi, or Andrew Shelffo if you have any questions or problems.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
As usual, there have been many changes in the off-season. Andrew Shelffo has bid a teary farewell to the game after watching his injury over and over again on tape; Joe Santasiere has moved to the desert to find himself; and Chris Gefken moved to Boston to become a college student, though he will be participating this year.
The most recent and startling development is Andrew Kesin's ankle injury. At press time the exact diagnosis is inconclusive, but he will not be able to play.
These changes mean two things. First, the traditional Cutter and Non-Cutter teams will not be squaring off against each other, at least not according to traditional definitions with a Cutter a person who lives at home and goes to school. (Dave Gloshinski, the last surviving Cutter, wanted to play everyone, but we talked him out of it).
The second change is that new players have been drafted. We have Chris Zusi's future brother-in-law and David Gloshinski's future brother-in-law joining the game this year. We also have John Nulty as somewhat of a surprise participant.
So, this being the case, the Executive Council of the Turkey Bowl has come up with the following teams by using very sophisticated and expensive methods. They are as follows:
- Cutters
- David Gloshinski
- Mark Vanderfleet
- Brett Jenks
- Brian O'Neill
- John Dimpel
- Ken Hogenauer
- Frank DeFilipis
- Bill Parizeau
- Chris Gefken
- Mike Zusi
- Chris Zusi
- Rich Bayer
- Lars Novak
- Dave Mairo
- John Nulty
The first half will consist of two quarters of twenty minutes running time each. The second half will depend on how hard the first half was. And, as usual, MVP voting will take place immediately following the game.
There will be a mandatory meeting on Wednesday night where taunting of opposing players is encouraged. It is also recommended that each player drink to excess so as not to be in great shape Thursday morning. The meeting place will be announced later. Please contact Andrew Kesin, David Gloshinksi, or Andrew Shelffo if you have any questions or problems.
Sincerely,
The Commissioner
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